Okay, so my last appointment was 5 days ago. I've been
delaying posting because there is just so much on my mind and heart right now.
Don’t worry; it’s all good so far.
This last month has made me stop and reflect a lot. You see;
last year this month sucked. August 2012 was a hard hard month for me and for
my family. August 6, August 13, August 21, August 22. All of these are dates
that mean something to me. They refer to what I went through last year in my
own miscarriage and what my family went through in another’s pregnancy loss in
my family (that’s not my story to tell). I felt like my heart broke a million
times into a million pieces then. I am
humbled as I remember the birth dates of precious children whose lives were all
too short. I have recognized and understood some things that it would have been
very hard for me to realize any other way. I am grateful for who I am today
because of my experiences. There is much in my heart that is hard to express
right now. I have been happy and sad at the same time. Not a depressed kind of
sad either, but sad in a way that I don’t think will ever go away or stop. It’s
not an overpowering thing, just a sadness for what’s missing from this life. I
am happy also when I think of the plan Heavenly Father has for all of us, and
that families are eternal. We will all spend eternity together if we have lived
righteous lives.
At the same time this month I have been excited and scared
for what I’m going through this year. At about 8 weeks this pregnancy baby
looked great, but both my previous pregnancies that’s how old my babies measured
with no heartbeat at later appointments. We weren't sure what was going to
happen this time. Well last week baby was about 11 ½ weeks and still looked
great! It was pretty amazing to see that ultrasound screen and see a little
baby wiggling its arms and legs, turning around, putting its hand in its mouth,
and even hiccuping. It was a really good appointment! Baby still looks great!
I am now 12 weeks along, and I’m still pregnant! It’s kind of a crazy feeling.
Every day I feel a little more confident that we’ll be keeping this one. That
thought still scares me. I’m not sure it ever won’t scare me, but it’s a good
thing. We've started telling more people. You know, the ones who wouldn't have
looked at this blog for whatever reason. Every day is a new miracle and
blessing for me.
Now I’m trying to adjust to the whole idea of doing things
soon to be mom’s do. Like wearing maternity clothes, and buying baby stuff. I
haven’t really let myself think much about any of that yet. I’m slowly realizing
that I actually need to (translation = get to) do these things. I really can’t
wait. My husband teases me because, even when I really feel like crap, I’m
happy too happy about where I’m at to even think about complaining. Every time
I tell him I threw up or something he says “And you’re just loving it aren't
you?” It’s true. I am. I’ll go through whatever I have to.
It’s also been funny to see how my family has been. From my
brother wanting me to have a boy because they’re supposedly easier (I don’t
believe this. I was much easier than he was to raise.) To my husband telling me
we’re giving it back if it’s not a boy (I’d like to see him try), or blowing
raspberry’s on my stomach saying he’s talking to his boy (yes, he knows baby
can’t actually hear yet). It’s been an adventure. I’m sure it’ll continue to
make me laugh at times.
This got long, but it’s not even close to everything running
through my head. It’s just the parts I know how to put into words. Well, next
appointment is in about 2 weeks. Oh, and in case anyone ever wondered, I really
like my Dr. I’m so grateful I’m a patient of hers.
Anyways; till next time!
