Here we go again. (This roller coaster sucks by the way.)

So here I am. With a one year old boy who is more precious to me than I could describe. Things lately have reminded me just how precious he really is, and how much of a miracle he is. I know it's been a while since I've written on here. Not that I was all that consistent anyway. We've been moved for about a year and a half. Michael's pregnancy was a special time in my life which I cherished. His labor and delivery was easy and quick. I think that was probably a kindness from Heavenly Father to me.  Here I am writing on this again though, and not for happy reasons.

Partly I feel compelled to write on here of my experiences, emotions, and trials because this kind of thing isn't well understood. The ignorance out there about miscarriage astounds me. There are comments that haunt me because of what they mean our society believes. They are things I've heard people say, and it always surprises me. Things like "At least you didn't have time to get attached," or even "It wasn't really a baby yet." There are more, but those are some examples.

Another reason I write is because I feel stuck. I want to share with my family, but the timing just sucks sometimes. How do I tell them without making my sister in law feel badly? That's the last thing I want, but you see... I found out she was expecting her fourth (SO excited about that by the way) when I was sitting in the parking lot about to get confirmation I had miscarried yet again. I was so early I hadn't even known I was pregnant for 2 weeks yet, and hadn't told anyone. So I sat there thinking really?! I had to get this message right now?! In this moment when I'm already hurting and it would make this reality of mine that much more painful? I think I even laughed because the emotions running through me were too many, too varied, and too strong for me to make any sense out of. So here I am after all that and I don't want to bring it up. I don't want to have to explain, and I don't want my experience to make anyone feel like they shouldn't have shared with me, or that they should have done something different. I really am very happy for her. That was just possibly the worst timing of anything in my life.

The last reason is because I need to work through this, and writing is really very helpful with that. Maybe now instead of thinking of that moment when I think about my sister in law being pregnant I can just be happy for her. I want it to be that way. I don't want her to have to feel like she needs to be careful around me. Just be joyful. On top of everything else it's just hard for me to share anything. When it's something so personal and emotional for me it just gets harder.

I do believe, because of certain experiences I've had, that this is all happening for a reason in my life. I don't understand it, but I have felt reassured that there is some kind of purpose to this.

Where I stand now is that I get to be seen earlier than most people when I get pregnant again, and maybe take a progesterone supplement if my numbers come back low from the test we did last week. I guess we just get to take things one step at a time from here on out.  s

Anatomy scan today

It went pretty well! I'm starting to feel baby move more now too. It's getting stronger and more consistent every day. I love it. They said the baby was measuring perfectly, weighed 10 oz or so, heart rate of 152, and was measuring right in line with how far I am. We will be having a boy! It was a pretty clear shot. I'm so excited to see everything looking good. We got to see him moving around and the ultrasound tech had to jiggle my belly to get him to move for some measurements. It worked when she did that. He moved right where she wanted him to. It was pretty fun. Everything is going pretty well at this point.

My mom's already bought several things today for baby boy. (We don't have a name yet. It'll probably be a while before we get one figured out, and we may not tell even after we figure it out.) My mom's pretty excited. It's also her birthday today, so Happy Birthday Mom!!

We've been moving the last few weeks. I am so ready to be done. We're just about finished cleaning and totally out of the old place. (YAYYY!!!) I am so sick of cleaning right now. Ahh... it'll all get done. I've been a bit overwhelmed lately.

It's been a while

So, I thought I'd just hop on here to say that my last appointment was pretty boring. Just a check the heartbeat and send you on your way type of thing. So not much to report there, other than things seemed pretty normal. Which is still pretty awesome. I'm at 17 weeks today! Se excited about that! It's a little crazy. I've started to feel the baby move sometimes so that's pretty cool too. I love it! It'll be Oct. 17th before we go back and we get to do the anatomy scan at that time. We should be able to find out the gender too! I'm looking forward to it! That's really all that's new on that front.

I did get to go see my brother up in the Kansas City area last weekend. It was good to see him. It was his and my dad's birthday last month. So it was a pretty nice trip. Time with family is pretty cool. We also should be buying a house soon. It's a little stressful to think about. Just too many things to do. Anyways, I think that's all really.

Reflections, and an update on baby.

Okay, so my last appointment was 5 days ago. I've been delaying posting because there is just so much on my mind and heart right now. Don’t worry; it’s all good so far.

This last month has made me stop and reflect a lot. You see; last year this month sucked. August 2012 was a hard hard month for me and for my family. August 6, August 13, August 21, August 22. All of these are dates that mean something to me. They refer to what I went through last year in my own miscarriage and what my family went through in another’s pregnancy loss in my family (that’s not my story to tell). I felt like my heart broke a million times into a million pieces then.  I am humbled as I remember the birth dates of precious children whose lives were all too short. I have recognized and understood some things that it would have been very hard for me to realize any other way. I am grateful for who I am today because of my experiences. There is much in my heart that is hard to express right now. I have been happy and sad at the same time. Not a depressed kind of sad either, but sad in a way that I don’t think will ever go away or stop. It’s not an overpowering thing, just a sadness for what’s missing from this life. I am happy also when I think of the plan Heavenly Father has for all of us, and that families are eternal. We will all spend eternity together if we have lived righteous lives.

At the same time this month I have been excited and scared for what I’m going through this year. At about 8 weeks this pregnancy baby looked great, but both my previous pregnancies that’s how old my babies measured with no heartbeat at later appointments. We weren't sure what was going to happen this time. Well last week baby was about 11 ½ weeks and still looked great! It was pretty amazing to see that ultrasound screen and see a little baby wiggling its arms and legs, turning around, putting its hand in its mouth, and even hiccuping. It was a really good appointment! Baby still looks great! I am now 12 weeks along, and I’m still pregnant! It’s kind of a crazy feeling. Every day I feel a little more confident that we’ll be keeping this one. That thought still scares me. I’m not sure it ever won’t scare me, but it’s a good thing. We've started telling more people. You know, the ones who wouldn't have looked at this blog for whatever reason. Every day is a new miracle and blessing for me.

Now I’m trying to adjust to the whole idea of doing things soon to be mom’s do. Like wearing maternity clothes, and buying baby stuff. I haven’t really let myself think much about any of that yet. I’m slowly realizing that I actually need to (translation = get to) do these things. I really can’t wait. My husband teases me because, even when I really feel like crap, I’m happy too happy about where I’m at to even think about complaining. Every time I tell him I threw up or something he says “And you’re just loving it aren't you?” It’s true. I am. I’ll go through whatever I have to.

It’s also been funny to see how my family has been. From my brother wanting me to have a boy because they’re supposedly easier (I don’t believe this. I was much easier than he was to raise.) To my husband telling me we’re giving it back if it’s not a boy (I’d like to see him try), or blowing raspberry’s on my stomach saying he’s talking to his boy (yes, he knows baby can’t actually hear yet). It’s been an adventure. I’m sure it’ll continue to make me laugh at times.

This got long, but it’s not even close to everything running through my head. It’s just the parts I know how to put into words. Well, next appointment is in about 2 weeks. Oh, and in case anyone ever wondered, I really like my Dr. I’m so grateful I’m a patient of hers. 

Anyways; till next time! 

Something to Smile about!

So, I had my Dr.'s appointment to day. Baby measured about 7 weeks 5 days and we actually saw a heartbeat this time! I"m very excited. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I've never seen a heartbeat before. I'm very happy that I even saw that. It makes me feel a lot better about this pregnancy. I go back to the Dr in about 3 weeks. I'm hoping everything else goes well!

3rd Times a Charm Right? (Seriously Trying Not to Freak Out Over Here...)

So about a month ago we found out that all my test results came back within normal ranges and were good to try for having kids again. I figured we'd go ahead and give it a try this last month. I also figured it might take a bit longer this time since we fell pregnant fairly quickly the last two times. Ha! I'm starting to wonder if I might be delusional. Guess what?

Yep, I'm pregnant again. First thought was something like ".... is that 2nd line really there? NO WAY! I better check with my hubby." Yea, he saw it too. Then I thought it was kind of funny for a few minutes. After that I felt pretty good for a bit. I was happy! Then I start over thinking everything. You know, the "I wonder if I'll get to keep this one" type of thoughts. The "oh crap. I have to go to another first Dr.'s appointment. That ought to be fun", type of thoughts. So I am happy, but I'm worried and scared and kinda confused. Too many emotions for all at the same time. Way too many. I kinda feel like crying sometimes because of this.

Oh, another weird thing I don't know how I feel about: My first pregnancy my estimated due date was March 6, 2013, and this time it's March 10, 2014. So I'm supposed to be due at pretty much the same time. I'm feeling like I might go crazy. When I manage not to think too much I'm good, happy even. Sometimes I wish I could just shut off my brain though, but I have no idea how to do that.

I haven't made my appointment yet. I'm kind of procrastinating. I'll probably make myself just call them tomorrow or Monday. I just wanted a few days that I didn't have this specific date that I was counting down to. The last two times that appointment sucked! It was bad. I hated finding out there was no more heartbeat that way. I really really want to be able to see the heartbeat and a healthy baby. I don't know if that'll happen though. So, I'm procrastinating.

So, here I am feeling crazier than normal and trying not to obsess over every little thing (yea, like that's gonna happen). Here's to another roller coaster ride of emotions life is throwing my way. Maybe I'll get good news at that first prenatal appointment. That sure is what I'm hoping for anyways.

Test Results

On May 28th I went in for blood tests. They tested for clotting disorders and my thyroid. I called the office today to see about the results, and I was only able to talk to the nurse for another Dr. in the clinic. She told me that everything she could see came back as negative. I will probably call the office back and talk to my Dr's nurse on Monday when she is back in the office. I just want to make sure that they have received all the test results back that they tested for. If they have gotten all the results back, then we will be good to go. If I end up miscarrying again we will do a karyotype on the fetal tissue and see if there is anything that can tell us and go from there.

I'm not real sure how I feel about these results. I was kind of hoping for something I would be able to "fix" for next time. However, it is nice to know that these things are not a concern for next time. When I went in for the testing my Dr did list off several other tests that they could do, but she also explained why she didn't think those things were my issue. We did tests that were more specific to my situation. I am happy with what we did, and the plan that we have. Here's to hoping that my next pregnancy ends with a baby I get to take home. :)

I do feel a lot better about trying again now. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it if I was told to wait until after a third miscarriage before they would start the testing process.

I've been having a pretty good start to my summer. I've decided to exercise by swimming. My parents have a good sized pool that work well for that. It's been a bit cold so far. It's been between 66-68 degrees. That's pretty cold when you first get in. After a few minutes it gets better and I don't feel cold anymore. It's been going a lot better than jogging was. My joints don't really agree with me jogging. They protest by causing me pain when I try. So this seems to be a good alternative. I get a good workout without the pain. That's really all that is going on for now.
Thanks for reading!