Anatomy scan today

It went pretty well! I'm starting to feel baby move more now too. It's getting stronger and more consistent every day. I love it. They said the baby was measuring perfectly, weighed 10 oz or so, heart rate of 152, and was measuring right in line with how far I am. We will be having a boy! It was a pretty clear shot. I'm so excited to see everything looking good. We got to see him moving around and the ultrasound tech had to jiggle my belly to get him to move for some measurements. It worked when she did that. He moved right where she wanted him to. It was pretty fun. Everything is going pretty well at this point.

My mom's already bought several things today for baby boy. (We don't have a name yet. It'll probably be a while before we get one figured out, and we may not tell even after we figure it out.) My mom's pretty excited. It's also her birthday today, so Happy Birthday Mom!!

We've been moving the last few weeks. I am so ready to be done. We're just about finished cleaning and totally out of the old place. (YAYYY!!!) I am so sick of cleaning right now. Ahh... it'll all get done. I've been a bit overwhelmed lately.

It's been a while

So, I thought I'd just hop on here to say that my last appointment was pretty boring. Just a check the heartbeat and send you on your way type of thing. So not much to report there, other than things seemed pretty normal. Which is still pretty awesome. I'm at 17 weeks today! Se excited about that! It's a little crazy. I've started to feel the baby move sometimes so that's pretty cool too. I love it! It'll be Oct. 17th before we go back and we get to do the anatomy scan at that time. We should be able to find out the gender too! I'm looking forward to it! That's really all that's new on that front.

I did get to go see my brother up in the Kansas City area last weekend. It was good to see him. It was his and my dad's birthday last month. So it was a pretty nice trip. Time with family is pretty cool. We also should be buying a house soon. It's a little stressful to think about. Just too many things to do. Anyways, I think that's all really.

Reflections, and an update on baby.

Okay, so my last appointment was 5 days ago. I've been delaying posting because there is just so much on my mind and heart right now. Don’t worry; it’s all good so far.

This last month has made me stop and reflect a lot. You see; last year this month sucked. August 2012 was a hard hard month for me and for my family. August 6, August 13, August 21, August 22. All of these are dates that mean something to me. They refer to what I went through last year in my own miscarriage and what my family went through in another’s pregnancy loss in my family (that’s not my story to tell). I felt like my heart broke a million times into a million pieces then.  I am humbled as I remember the birth dates of precious children whose lives were all too short. I have recognized and understood some things that it would have been very hard for me to realize any other way. I am grateful for who I am today because of my experiences. There is much in my heart that is hard to express right now. I have been happy and sad at the same time. Not a depressed kind of sad either, but sad in a way that I don’t think will ever go away or stop. It’s not an overpowering thing, just a sadness for what’s missing from this life. I am happy also when I think of the plan Heavenly Father has for all of us, and that families are eternal. We will all spend eternity together if we have lived righteous lives.

At the same time this month I have been excited and scared for what I’m going through this year. At about 8 weeks this pregnancy baby looked great, but both my previous pregnancies that’s how old my babies measured with no heartbeat at later appointments. We weren't sure what was going to happen this time. Well last week baby was about 11 ½ weeks and still looked great! It was pretty amazing to see that ultrasound screen and see a little baby wiggling its arms and legs, turning around, putting its hand in its mouth, and even hiccuping. It was a really good appointment! Baby still looks great! I am now 12 weeks along, and I’m still pregnant! It’s kind of a crazy feeling. Every day I feel a little more confident that we’ll be keeping this one. That thought still scares me. I’m not sure it ever won’t scare me, but it’s a good thing. We've started telling more people. You know, the ones who wouldn't have looked at this blog for whatever reason. Every day is a new miracle and blessing for me.

Now I’m trying to adjust to the whole idea of doing things soon to be mom’s do. Like wearing maternity clothes, and buying baby stuff. I haven’t really let myself think much about any of that yet. I’m slowly realizing that I actually need to (translation = get to) do these things. I really can’t wait. My husband teases me because, even when I really feel like crap, I’m happy too happy about where I’m at to even think about complaining. Every time I tell him I threw up or something he says “And you’re just loving it aren't you?” It’s true. I am. I’ll go through whatever I have to.

It’s also been funny to see how my family has been. From my brother wanting me to have a boy because they’re supposedly easier (I don’t believe this. I was much easier than he was to raise.) To my husband telling me we’re giving it back if it’s not a boy (I’d like to see him try), or blowing raspberry’s on my stomach saying he’s talking to his boy (yes, he knows baby can’t actually hear yet). It’s been an adventure. I’m sure it’ll continue to make me laugh at times.

This got long, but it’s not even close to everything running through my head. It’s just the parts I know how to put into words. Well, next appointment is in about 2 weeks. Oh, and in case anyone ever wondered, I really like my Dr. I’m so grateful I’m a patient of hers. 

Anyways; till next time! 

Something to Smile about!

So, I had my Dr.'s appointment to day. Baby measured about 7 weeks 5 days and we actually saw a heartbeat this time! I"m very excited. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I've never seen a heartbeat before. I'm very happy that I even saw that. It makes me feel a lot better about this pregnancy. I go back to the Dr in about 3 weeks. I'm hoping everything else goes well!

3rd Times a Charm Right? (Seriously Trying Not to Freak Out Over Here...)

So about a month ago we found out that all my test results came back within normal ranges and were good to try for having kids again. I figured we'd go ahead and give it a try this last month. I also figured it might take a bit longer this time since we fell pregnant fairly quickly the last two times. Ha! I'm starting to wonder if I might be delusional. Guess what?

Yep, I'm pregnant again. First thought was something like ".... is that 2nd line really there? NO WAY! I better check with my hubby." Yea, he saw it too. Then I thought it was kind of funny for a few minutes. After that I felt pretty good for a bit. I was happy! Then I start over thinking everything. You know, the "I wonder if I'll get to keep this one" type of thoughts. The "oh crap. I have to go to another first Dr.'s appointment. That ought to be fun", type of thoughts. So I am happy, but I'm worried and scared and kinda confused. Too many emotions for all at the same time. Way too many. I kinda feel like crying sometimes because of this.

Oh, another weird thing I don't know how I feel about: My first pregnancy my estimated due date was March 6, 2013, and this time it's March 10, 2014. So I'm supposed to be due at pretty much the same time. I'm feeling like I might go crazy. When I manage not to think too much I'm good, happy even. Sometimes I wish I could just shut off my brain though, but I have no idea how to do that.

I haven't made my appointment yet. I'm kind of procrastinating. I'll probably make myself just call them tomorrow or Monday. I just wanted a few days that I didn't have this specific date that I was counting down to. The last two times that appointment sucked! It was bad. I hated finding out there was no more heartbeat that way. I really really want to be able to see the heartbeat and a healthy baby. I don't know if that'll happen though. So, I'm procrastinating.

So, here I am feeling crazier than normal and trying not to obsess over every little thing (yea, like that's gonna happen). Here's to another roller coaster ride of emotions life is throwing my way. Maybe I'll get good news at that first prenatal appointment. That sure is what I'm hoping for anyways.

Test Results

On May 28th I went in for blood tests. They tested for clotting disorders and my thyroid. I called the office today to see about the results, and I was only able to talk to the nurse for another Dr. in the clinic. She told me that everything she could see came back as negative. I will probably call the office back and talk to my Dr's nurse on Monday when she is back in the office. I just want to make sure that they have received all the test results back that they tested for. If they have gotten all the results back, then we will be good to go. If I end up miscarrying again we will do a karyotype on the fetal tissue and see if there is anything that can tell us and go from there.

I'm not real sure how I feel about these results. I was kind of hoping for something I would be able to "fix" for next time. However, it is nice to know that these things are not a concern for next time. When I went in for the testing my Dr did list off several other tests that they could do, but she also explained why she didn't think those things were my issue. We did tests that were more specific to my situation. I am happy with what we did, and the plan that we have. Here's to hoping that my next pregnancy ends with a baby I get to take home. :)

I do feel a lot better about trying again now. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it if I was told to wait until after a third miscarriage before they would start the testing process.

I've been having a pretty good start to my summer. I've decided to exercise by swimming. My parents have a good sized pool that work well for that. It's been a bit cold so far. It's been between 66-68 degrees. That's pretty cold when you first get in. After a few minutes it gets better and I don't feel cold anymore. It's been going a lot better than jogging was. My joints don't really agree with me jogging. They protest by causing me pain when I try. So this seems to be a good alternative. I get a good workout without the pain. That's really all that is going on for now.
Thanks for reading!

Update on my crazy little life.

I've been thinking I need to make another post. Last I wrote I was waiting on a negative pregnancy test. I finally got one a little over 4 weeks ago and so my next appointment is in a little less than 2 weeks. I will meet with my Dr that day and discuss which tests she wants to run and then she will give me the order for them so I can go to the lab to get them done. I tell you what though; it was such a relief to finally see that negative pregnancy test. It’s a special kind of torture to have to look at a still positive test when you know you’re not pregnant anymore. I was so happy the day it stayed negative!

May 28^th is the date that I will have my appointment. I’m kind of going crazy here waiting for it. I’m perfectly fine with everything one minute and either freaking out or getting emotional about nothing the next. It’s great fun (not)!

Also, since my last post, both my birthday and Mother’s Day have passed. They were both a little weird for me. First, I was sure I would be raising a little baby by this birthday, but things don’t go the way we want them too sometimes. I was feeling a little down about that. Then, this Mother’s Day was the first since my miscarriages, so that was kind of hard as well. I honestly did not want to go to church, but I teach the young women. I went because I needed to give the lesson, but I almost just stayed in bed. I did alright through all the talks that were given. I did have to get up and leave for a bit in the middle though. I also have to admit I couldn't and didn't listen to a majority of the talks. I kept myself distracted by pretty much anything that I could think of. When I was paying attention, the talks were pretty good. There was never anything said that should have bothered me. I was experiencing one of the aforementioned moments of getting emotional about nothing. I mean, sometimes they weren't even talking about mothers and I’d start to cry and then I would distracting myself again so that I would stop crying. Maybe I should have payed more attention, but I feel I did the best I could for the situation.

I get to look forward to my seeing some of my family that lives out of state. They are visiting for my youngest sister-in-law’s graduation. It will be nice to see everyone. I'm pretty excited. I guess that's all for now. 

How am I doing right now?

 Well, I think I can honestly say that I’m doing alright. I probably don’t mean quite the same thing that you do though.

I mean that I’m sad, but it’s okay for me to be sad. I mean that, considering everything I’m going through, I’m right where I should be. I have been blessed with a sense of peace about my miscarriages. I’m still missing that baby I lost last August. I’m still sad about that loss, and now I’m sad about the most recent loss as well. This is all okay. It’s where I should be. That’s what I’m really saying.

Sometimes I think we are too hard on ourselves. We think it’s not okay to be sad, or that if we still feel sadness about something then we can’t be happy. I remember the first time I heard anyone say that bad moments don’t make bad days. It was amazing to me to realize that I could have bad moments during what would turn out to be good days for me. We make that choice. It is okay to be sad, and to have these moments. We still have the choice to let these moments ruin our days or not. We can be happy and still have those moments that make us sad. There is nothing wrong with that. It also doesn’t matter how long after our trials we still feel that sadness. In many cases I don’t think we will ever not feel sadness from the loss of a loved one. We will have moments of sadness for the rest of our lives, and that’s okay.

It is a good thing to feel sadness. Yet we act like it is bad, we hide our sadness and pretend that it’s not there.  We set a time limit on how long we are allowed to be sad, and think there is something wrong with us if we’re not ‘better’ by then. We often do this out of an attempt to make sure people we are around don’t feel uncomfortable. I think all we end up doing is not allowing people to help and comfort us.  We isolate ourselves. It is not easy or fun to reach out to other people, but it is a necessary thing for us to do. We need to serve each other, and let others serve us. I am really bad at doing this, but I’m beginning to realize just how much we need the service of others.

That was just a few thoughts that have been running through my brain for a while.

Also, it is extremely frustrating to have to wait for a negative hpt. When I take one and it’s still just that tiny bit positive, it’s like a tiny little kick in the gut. Why can’t it just be negative yet??? I would really like that. It’s almost negative, but not quite there yet. It probably will be soon.

Why I didn’t make it to church on Easter Sunday, and why the message of Easter means more to me than ever.

It's not a happy post, and it's long. You don't have to read it, and you may not like what I say. I'm writing this becasue I need to. Not because you need to read it.

Did you know you can miss someone you’ve never even met? Any mother out there who has lost a child early in pregnancy probably knows what I mean.  After two miscarriages it amazes me how much you can miss a child you never saw, never heard, never even really felt. Yet, I know how much I miss those babies. I know how hard that is. Would it be any easier or harder if I had felt my babies move, or had seen or heard their heartbeats, or had lost them later in life. I don’t know, but I think it might be harder. In the end it doesn’t matter if it’s easier or harder or what. If you lose a child, in pregnancy or after, it can break your heart. It can shatter it into a million pieces, or that’s what it feels like.

This gets me to thinking about how we’re supposed to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I don’t think the Lord expects us to live our life going through that much pain. I do recognize, however, that when I let it happen, I become more patient, humble, gentle, and forgiving as a person after going through these trials and experiences.  These trials soften me. I have no better way to explain it than that.

I hope you all had a good Easter Sunday. I can’t say that I did. You see I woke up to get ready for church and noticed I had started cramping. I had found out several days earlier that the baby I had been carrying had died, there was no longer a heartbeat. This was at my first Dr. appointment for this pregnancy. It happened the same way last time. Baby measured at about 8 weeks along for the pregnancy and no heartbeat both times. Anyway, after I ate breakfast on Easter I decided to wait a few more minutes to see if it felt like I would go on to miscarry that day or not. It didn’t take very long for me to realize that the cramps were worse and I decided to stay home from church just in case. This would turn out to be a very good decision on my part. I asked my husband to let them know I wouldn’t be there since I teach the mia maids (part of the young women’s program in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) the last hour of church. My husband got ready to go, and decided to take his motorcycle to church. I hear him start the bike, and I hear it running for a while. After some time he comes in, seems kind of mad, takes off his helmet, and goes back outside. I go out to see what had happened, and why he hadn’t left yet. Someone/something had cut all the way through his clutch (there is a line for it on the side of the bike). Without that he couldn’t drive his motorcycle at all. So he figured all this out and by this time it was half way through the first hour of church. Neither of us ended up at church, and we didn’t end up telling anybody we weren’t coming either. We both teach, so I feel a little bad that we just left our classes without teachers and without notice. I think people would understand what happened though. Later on I did end up miscarrying and it happened before church let out that day. So I definitely made the right decision in staying home. I had dinner with my parents/brother later that evening. I let them know what had happened, but we had a good dinner with them. That was my Easter. I really hope your day went better than mine.

The message of the resurrection means more to me than ever. It helps me to have that reassurance that I will have my children again. It may be in this life or it may be after, but my Savior has made it possible that I will have them again, one way or the other.

Many women in my position ask the question why. Why me, why now, why does it not happen to all those women who use abortion as birth control, or who are too young, not married, not trying or wanting to have kids, why? Part of me has wanted to ask these types of questions. My Heavenly Father, through the Spirit, has told me in no uncertain terms that I don’t need to know, and that it is okay that I do not know. He has given me a sense of peace that I won’t have the answers in this life, but that I will sometime after this life. There is a reason, whatever it might be. That reason, and knowing what it is, is not necessary for me to have. I will find my way back to Heavenly Father without it.

I think I would want to say that I have felt Heavenly Father come nearer to me because of these experiences. I, however, am coming to realize that this statement is not entirely accurate. Heavenly Father is always there for me and is always near to me. As one of my mission presidents said, Heavenly Father is only ever as far away from you as your knees are from the floor. I have come to realize that I am bringing myself closer to him. I reach out more, I get more personal in my prayers, I talk to Him more, I think of Him more, and I ask more questions of Him. Since last August I have been seeking out my Father more, and because of that I am nearer to Him.

 I also recognize that I could very easily let myself get mad at Him about all of this. It is a choice I make to not let that happen and at times it is a hard choice to make. In the end I have to remind myself that my God does not stop every bad thing from happening, but neither does He make them happen. We have to experience the bad to know the good. If God stopped all bad from happening, we would never know what good was. We live in a fallen world where sometimes things are just broken. In order for us to grow and learn, not everything that is broken gets fixed by God. This lets us learn how to fix these things ourselves, and learn to depend on God when we can’t. Every trial we have can lead us closer to or farther away from Him. Our Father in Heaven wants us to come closer to Him, but He will not force that on us. We have to choose to go to Him.

I have been reluctant to tell people about what all we have been going through. In many ways I still am. I have been told by many different people, in different ways, that I need to reach out. In other areas of my life I see where I have that need to reach out to other people, so I guess I’m trying to take the advice I’ve been given. It is not easy for me to do. Part of my reluctance is that I have a tendency to be very literal and blunt in conversations. I have come to be pretty good about not saying what pops into my mind, but then I have nothing else to say. I might smile and give a general, vague, response that people just say in that situation, but that I don’t really mean. More often I just smile and nod, at a loss as to what to say.

Sometimes when people tell me, oh I’m sorry, I look at them and think “No. You’re not sorry, you’re just saying that to be nice. You don’t know me and I can tell you’re not really empathizing with me right now.” Other times I see the sincerity in their face and I want to assure them that it’s not their fault, and that while I’m not okay right now I will be. These are the types of things I think to say, and, trust me; it is always an awkward conversation when I do. It seems the only acceptable thing to say it “thank you, I’m okay” even when that’s not true.

Then there are all of the other unhelpful, thoughtlessly said, very rude things people say. I know they are trying to be nice, or they don’t know how rude they just sounded to me. That doesn’t make me any less upset when it happens though. On my bad days, I react in a manner that is much ruder than what they have said could possibly have warranted. On my good days I say something kind of polite back and walk away. You could get anything in between. I call myself blunt, but honest to a fault may be a better way to put it. Even those little white lies that people say to make someone feel better I feel uncomfortable with. I’d rather be honest. Usually I just avoid actually answering these types of questions if my opinion would not be kind. I respond something like “I’m not a good person to ask about clothes. I have no fashion sense. Do you like it? What’s important is that you like it.” Lame response? Maybe, but it’s honest and not mean. So, however you put it, I’m socially awkward. At any rate, if we ever encounter a situation like this and you are completely thrown off by my reaction, please try and be forgiving. I am at my most awkward when I don’t know you very well yet. Really, I promise, that’s all it is.

This is also the main reason for the extremely long post. It is an attempt to let people know what happened, while (probably in vain) trying to avoid all of the awkward conversations.

After two pregnancies both ending in miscarriage I will get to start the process of going through testing to see if we can figure out what’s up. There may not be anything to find, but at this point I’d rather do the testing. I would have done it sooner, but they won’t test until either 2 miscarriages with no live births or 3 miscarriages. Those stupid statistics make show most people don’t have problems unless they fall into one of these two categories. I wish the testing was cheaper/easier and just routinely done before you have to lose pregnancies. However, that’s not the way it works.

I’m nervous of what we’re going to find out. If it’s good news, bad news, we can’t find anything wrong, it’s treatable, not treatable, or whatever, it’s still something I need to know. Only after finding out these answers will I be able to move forward and know what is next for me.

It's been a while since I wrote, sad news..

So last time I was on here I wrote about a recent positive pregnancy test.

I wen to my first Dr. appointment today. It went the same as last time. I had a couple of ultrasounds and both showed a baby about 8 weeks along without a heartbeat. The Dr. seemed to think it may have been a chromosomal thing. So we're going to start with some testing. Rule out some other things first and then maybe karyotype my husband and me to see if we can find any answers. I hope we figure something out.

I get somewhat frustrated when I think that the testing could have already been done, but I get why it wasn't. All those statistics out there show that 1 miscarriage is common, and nothing is usually wrong. The pregnancy just couldn't be supported for no known reason. It's often assumed that there was a chromosomal abnormality that won't likely be repeated. After 2 pregnancies ending in miscarriage they might start testing. I'm lucky I have one of the doctors willing to do it this early. Most insurance won't cover it until after 3 miscarriages. This is also what most doctors usually do. This is all frustrating because in the cases where the problem can be identified and fixed. You had to lose 2 or 3 babies to get to the point that they would even test for it. It seems a little unfair.

I think a part of me knew that this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. I remember after my last one that I had a distinct impression that I would have another miscarriage. I felt the spirit whisper to me that it would happen again. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew what I felt. I even told one of my sister-in-law's this last August or so. Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for all this.

I'm having a hard time. This hurts, but at the same time I'm a bit relieved that we can move forward with testing, etc. So that's what's new. Maybe the 3rd times will be the charm? I hope so.

Staying Positive

   I am having a hard time doing this (staying positive). I'm all excited about my pregnancy most of the time, but any little thing happens and I start to freak out. I can usually keep myself mostly calm, but it's hard. It's funny, because I know the little things that happen don't really mean anything. I just worry anyway.
   My husband is getting more into it too. That's kind of cool. He's busy working and everything is going well with his business. I'm so excited he's finally out doing this!
   I took the time to go out and visit my grandma this weekend. It was a long overdue visit. I love going to see her, but I never seem to make as much time as I should to visit her. It was nice to talk with her for a few hours. I really wanted to tell her I'm pregnant, but I'll wait until I'm further along. I have my first appointment on the 28th this month. I can not wait! At the same time I am very nervous about the appointment. It was at my first appointment that I found out my babies heart had stopped last time. I told my husband that he needs to go with me, and I keep reminding him about when the appointment is. He better be there with me.
   I've been looking for another job, but now that I'm pregnant I'm thinking about staying at this job for a while. It would be a good schedule to have. We may not have to pay for daycare for the baby if I stay here. I'll have to see what turns out to be best for us.

It's Me

I decided I need to write about me, and what I'm going through. Whatever that turns out to be.
   I am Seanna, and I am happily married. My husband loves to give me a hard time, and I give it right back to him. I attend the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I love it there. If you want to meet a people who, in general, live what they are learning then this is the place to go. When you teach truth, people tend to listen. Anyway, I grew up in a very small town. I mean like 2,000 people in the whole town small. There are smaller towns out there, I know. I have an older brother who is definitely the tough guy. My parents are both amazing, and I love them.
    I went to college and have a degree in Biology. Still figuring out what I'll do with that. My husband just started his own business. I'm really hoping that takes off for him. He's an amazing artist. He makes custom wood furniture, decorations, gun stocks, etc. If it's made of wood, he can probably make it. www.furniture-yourway.com This is a link to his website. Take the time to look at it. It's worth it.
     After one previous miscarriage, I am currently pregnant again. I'm a little worried about how this will go, but I'm trying to stay positive. I'm hoping that come Oct-Nov I'll be getting to bring a baby home. My first Dr. appointment isn't for another 3 weeks. I'm kinda going crazy waiting, but that's just how it goes I guess. Wish me luck.
    I also work with disabled adults doing in-home care. It's a good job. I might also be teaching as an adjunct faculty this summer. I'd be teaching a biology class. I hope it makes!!
That's a little about me. Here's to the future!