So here I am. With a one year old boy who is more precious to me than I could describe. Things lately have reminded me just how precious he really is, and how much of a miracle he is. I know it's been a while since I've written on here. Not that I was all that consistent anyway. We've been moved for about a year and a half. Michael's pregnancy was a special time in my life which I cherished. His labor and delivery was easy and quick. I think that was probably a kindness from Heavenly Father to me. Here I am writing on this again though, and not for happy reasons.
Partly I feel compelled to write on here of my experiences, emotions, and trials because this kind of thing isn't well understood. The ignorance out there about miscarriage astounds me. There are comments that haunt me because of what they mean our society believes. They are things I've heard people say, and it always surprises me. Things like "At least you didn't have time to get attached," or even "It wasn't really a baby yet." There are more, but those are some examples.
Another reason I write is because I feel stuck. I want to share with my family, but the timing just sucks sometimes. How do I tell them without making my sister in law feel badly? That's the last thing I want, but you see... I found out she was expecting her fourth (SO excited about that by the way) when I was sitting in the parking lot about to get confirmation I had miscarried yet again. I was so early I hadn't even known I was pregnant for 2 weeks yet, and hadn't told anyone. So I sat there thinking really?! I had to get this message right now?! In this moment when I'm already hurting and it would make this reality of mine that much more painful? I think I even laughed because the emotions running through me were too many, too varied, and too strong for me to make any sense out of. So here I am after all that and I don't want to bring it up. I don't want to have to explain, and I don't want my experience to make anyone feel like they shouldn't have shared with me, or that they should have done something different. I really am very happy for her. That was just possibly the worst timing of anything in my life.
The last reason is because I need to work through this, and writing is really very helpful with that. Maybe now instead of thinking of that moment when I think about my sister in law being pregnant I can just be happy for her. I want it to be that way. I don't want her to have to feel like she needs to be careful around me. Just be joyful. On top of everything else it's just hard for me to share anything. When it's something so personal and emotional for me it just gets harder.
I do believe, because of certain experiences I've had, that this is all happening for a reason in my life. I don't understand it, but I have felt reassured that there is some kind of purpose to this.
Where I stand now is that I get to be seen earlier than most people when I get pregnant again, and maybe take a progesterone supplement if my numbers come back low from the test we did last week. I guess we just get to take things one step at a time from here on out. s
