How am I doing right now?

 Well, I think I can honestly say that I’m doing alright. I probably don’t mean quite the same thing that you do though.

I mean that I’m sad, but it’s okay for me to be sad. I mean that, considering everything I’m going through, I’m right where I should be. I have been blessed with a sense of peace about my miscarriages. I’m still missing that baby I lost last August. I’m still sad about that loss, and now I’m sad about the most recent loss as well. This is all okay. It’s where I should be. That’s what I’m really saying.

Sometimes I think we are too hard on ourselves. We think it’s not okay to be sad, or that if we still feel sadness about something then we can’t be happy. I remember the first time I heard anyone say that bad moments don’t make bad days. It was amazing to me to realize that I could have bad moments during what would turn out to be good days for me. We make that choice. It is okay to be sad, and to have these moments. We still have the choice to let these moments ruin our days or not. We can be happy and still have those moments that make us sad. There is nothing wrong with that. It also doesn’t matter how long after our trials we still feel that sadness. In many cases I don’t think we will ever not feel sadness from the loss of a loved one. We will have moments of sadness for the rest of our lives, and that’s okay.

It is a good thing to feel sadness. Yet we act like it is bad, we hide our sadness and pretend that it’s not there.  We set a time limit on how long we are allowed to be sad, and think there is something wrong with us if we’re not ‘better’ by then. We often do this out of an attempt to make sure people we are around don’t feel uncomfortable. I think all we end up doing is not allowing people to help and comfort us.  We isolate ourselves. It is not easy or fun to reach out to other people, but it is a necessary thing for us to do. We need to serve each other, and let others serve us. I am really bad at doing this, but I’m beginning to realize just how much we need the service of others.

That was just a few thoughts that have been running through my brain for a while.

Also, it is extremely frustrating to have to wait for a negative hpt. When I take one and it’s still just that tiny bit positive, it’s like a tiny little kick in the gut. Why can’t it just be negative yet??? I would really like that. It’s almost negative, but not quite there yet. It probably will be soon.